Lots of questions! I’m not a follower of any particular pantheon but Nicodemus and I follow Loki , so I tend to look into the Norse mythos , along with the Celtic. What I want to know is:

  1. What kind of afterlife is there for those who aren’t blooded warriors? I know that the Asatru I’ve had dealings with seem to think that they’ll do nothing but feast, fight, and fuck in Valhalla, which seems rather dull to me but to each their own. What about the rest of the populace who venerate the Norse gods? Does each deity have a hall of his/her own? Or does everyone mill around in Odin’s hall, or Freya’s hall?
  2. This carries over into other pantheons as well. There’s so little gnosis, whether personal or not, about it that I wonder if the deities are putting the information out at all. And no one seems to be asking.
  3. How much of the mythos are we to take as truth? Should we believe them strictly as written? Is Zeus actually incapable of keeping it in his robes? Does Hera actually spend her time attacking the mortal women who can’t say no? Or do the myths only reveal a time and place in the distant past that no longer has relevance to us today?
  4. What about other sentient beings, like octopi? Do the gods limit themselves to humans or is anything with intelligence fair game?
  5. I seem to remember being told – or reading about – an alternate explanation of the whole Baldur/Loki story that everyone gets so worked up about. In it Baldur’s parents spoil him rotten because he’s so wonderful, and no one denies him anything he wants until he falls in love (lust?) with a woman who is already betrothed to another man. He falls into a depression because he can’t have her, and one of his parents – the one who does magick – works it so that the woman breaks her betrothal and runs off with Baldur. The ex-betrothed man comes to Valhalla and demands justice and vengeance.  Knowing that Odin can’t bear to kill his beloved son, and knowing that if Baldur isn’t sacrificed Odin’s life is forfeit, Loki takes on the burden of ensuring that Baldur dies. He has nothing against his nephew, but he can’t allow Odin to die.  Even knowing that he will earn the enmity of the other deities, he lays his plans and carries them out. Baldur dies and goes to keep Hel company. What I want to know is – which version comes closest to the truth? And just what IS the truth?
  6. Even if the deities are going for quality over quantity this time around, why aren’t they putting their stories out for their worshipers? Yes, I can understand why the people tasked to write these for the public would consider long and hard before putting their names on anything, with said public’s sad inclination to leap to eviscerate anyone who deviates from their own personal gnosis, if any, but that’s what a nom de plume is for. Some deities seem to think that dogma only restricts the ability of their worshipers to think, but seems like humans need some guidelines in order to even start the thought process.


I don’t think I’ll put any more down for the moment – eagerly awaiting answers. Not holding my breath, though.

Followers, Worshipers, and Zealots, Oh my!

As often happens, this post is inspired by a conversation with Hope.  She asked first what the difference between a follower and a worshiper was.  That slowly morphed into “Well what do the Deities prefer?”  After two days of tete-a-tete and debate, a post has started forming.  Or perhaps it started yesterday but has solidified more today to be ready to start this post.  Let me first begin with definitions from to help solidify more the meanings of each of these words….


  1. 1:  to honor or reverence as a divine being or supernatural power

  2. 2:  to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion a celebrity worshipped by her fans


a:  one in the service of another :retainer
b:  one that follows the opinions or teachings of another
c:  one that imitates another


:  an ardent follower, supporter, or enthusiast (as of a religion, art form, or sport)

  • : a person who enjoys or is interested in something very much

  • : a person who has very strong loyalty to a particular religion or religious figure


  1. 1capitalized :  a member of a fanatical sect arising in Judea during the first century a.d.and militantly opposing the Roman domination of Palestine

  2. 2:  a zealous person; especially :  a fanatical partisan a religious zealot

: a person who has very strong feelings about something (such as religion or politics) and who wants other people to have those feelings : a zealous person

Why do I give these definitions, not just my definitions?  Because it sets the stage.  I have always thought worship is more formal, while followers are more loosely connected in their offerings.  A devotee is definitely one who honors and connects on a deeper level to a Deity.  Finally, a zealot is a fine line definition.  I tend to see them as the fanatics, those who are almost militant in their beliefs and worship.  It would seem, by the dictionary definition, my view of worship and following of Deity are actually reversed.  Or, perhaps they really aren’t all that disconnected as my brain has made them.

I suppose the real question and the crux of our conversation was more, do the Deities want stringent followers and organized “religion” or is the occasional offering and honoring okay.  There is a chorus of different answers in my head.  Some of the Deities I work with say “yes”, others say “no”, and yet others are more “meh, whatever.”

For most, I think the consensus is “So long as someone gives an offering and honors me, I don’t need a stringent following.  I accept the offerings and help as is truly needed.  Zealotry led to our downfall.  Yes, having Priests and Priestesses, followers and followings is what we all desire.  Some sort of semi-regular honoring.  But proselytizing is just not becoming of us any longer.”

Like much along this path, there is no real clear and definitive answer.  It largely boils down to the individual and the Deity they are working with.  The connection they have and the beliefs they hold.  Ultimately, listening to what the Deity prefers.  What others do if they are practicing in a group, and what they are capable of doing in their locale.

Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to have large Esbat or Sabbat rituals and we are as often as not solitary practitioners for whatever reason.  This makes it difficult to form any formalized “religion” and practice and following or worship becomes the norm.  Hence the…  not necessarily ambivalence, but the laissez-faire attitude.  I think Hope put it best earlier today when she said, “So it comes down to quality over quantity.”

As is so often the case, knowing you have the support of a handful of dedicated few, is a lovely thing.  It keeps them relevant.  It gives their ego and their energy a boost.  So long as they are relevant and receive energy and honor or offerings, is much more needed?

Of course, as I ask that I hear a shouted, “Of course there is!”  But the question is, what more is needed and are there those out there willing to offer it.  Sure there are, but is it really acceptable for it to be offered.  In some cases, sure.  It is situational I’m sure.

I feel like I’m rambling here, but I think the question is just a wee bit circular and not so easily answered.  I’m trying to figure it out as I go.  That’s all I can really do.  And I’m trying to share the answers I hear.

What do YOU think?  Do we need more formal and structured interaction with the Deities we form bonds with?  Or is informal and steady offerings enough?

Though I have been called Oracle and seem to hear the words or messages of many, my practice is still more informal.  Making offerings as the moment or need arises.  A few have a permanent place on my honoring shelf.  I have incense for a select few Deities that I burn as offerings.  I work with the Deities most appropriate for spells on the rare occasion I cast them.  But for the most part, I sit back and watch.  I follow my gut and the situation.  I am a Daughter of the Lord and Lady, the God and Goddess and the faces they take are the faces needed in the moment.  While some names or faces are more permanent or steady in my life, the energy of the Universe is more my following.  For now, they are happy with that.  Or is it content to know I honor them, even if I don’t follow, worship or devote 100% to them?  We exist and co-exist in the moments the wheel turns and our spokes align.

I truly believe ours is a personal path, and so long as we live a good life, not intent on causing others harm while living our life, then there is no real right or wrong answer.  We each find what works for us and go forward.  For some that is a group or Coven with structured practice.  For others that is church, synagogue or mosque to worship with a group of like-minded individuals.  For me, it is being in nature, be it under the trees or toes dipped in the seas.  My path is not to please, while on bended knees.  But to live and laugh, as I walk my path.  Finding joy and sharing with all, as I feel the call.  So live your path, and fear no wrath.  Follower, worshipper, devotee or other matters not, when you are honest with your Deific lot!

Struggles with understanding

Last night Hope and I had a long conversation about our post continuing on from the are the gods one big conglomerate mass or individual entities (they are both). Leaving me all stirred up when I tried to meditate last night. The set up was just about freaking perfect – the scent of our night blooming jasmine, the sandalwood incense I had lit, and gazing up at the stars trying to see a meteorite from the Lenard’s Meteorite Shower. I was struggling with why I bristle and struggle with the idea of Gods perpetuating Rape Culture and abusive God-Spouses. WHY do people believe this, or why couldn’t I believe?
With the pomegranate bush in bloom, Persephone and Hades’ energies just rolled right off the plant. It is comforting and safe for me. While I do not consider myself a channel or medium, I hope that I do have a good clear understanding of the messages I receive from the goddesses and gods. While this is not the conversation word for word it is the impressions that it left me with this morning that I must write down on paper.

I know rape culture is a thing. It permeates our culture and all the patriarchy back to the first start of this horrific idea before Eve ate the apple. (To which I often hear Lilith at this point reminding me that Eve was framed as was I).

So why do I bristle when I hear Gods perpetuate or have caused rape culture. Persephone reminded me, as did Hekate, that we all have our blinders and here is mine. I have always connected with Persephone, whether it is because she is my spirit sister or something more I don’t know, but there are times when she and I are one. One of Coyvere’s most powerful path walkings was the one where he first met Hades and Hades gave him a hug, calling him Brother. The very first time I met Coyvere was a few days before Halloween in Madison. I could feel the waves of Hades washing off him and oh did my inner Persephone sing. Not with fear or loathing, but with joy and love. A reflection of love and joy that was so powerful it frightened me to my core and it took me two years to understand that what he represented was love. Love that was pure, with no traps, no motives, no tricks. Until I met him I didn’t know that love from men could be pure and untainted. Because until him I had only known men as power and that abusive power that predominated rape culture. What they called love was not love but power seeking to control or bind.

Aphrodite blessed me that day, and I’m not sure how I got so lucky to have been able to spend more than 25 years with a man who does love pure, who understand the patriarchy is in his favor, and that rape culture is a real thing. He works to bring awareness to himself on this issue and having three daughters helps him as well. He could never shame or embrace his own daughters when it came to their ownership of their bodies. Why should they have anything less that he was blessed with just because of genetics?

My blinders, or rose-colored glasses, are that I cannot perceive Hades abusing Persephone or harming her in any way. It is not a part of my story. So, when people say Hades abused and raped Kore/Persephone I cannot see from my story that happening.
Persephone has always been a part of me, even as a small child reading the myth of Hades’ abduction of Persephone into the underworld I’ve felt part of the story was off or wrong. Just one of those gut feelings of there is something wrong here.

When it comes to human interpretation of myth, understanding of myth, and our vast oral storytelling traditions I always think of the telephone game. How one phrase is changed to be a completely different phrase after being passed in whispers from one person to the next. No matter how much we want to believe the stories haven’t changed from when they were first told woman to woman or woman to man around a fire in the middle of a starry night. We know that is not true. Oh, how I dream of hearing the original version of Hades and Persephone before someone decided to embellish the story to reflect themselves. Even jokes we share between friends are changed to reflect the area we are in or the people we are around. Making the joke more understandable to the crowd we are telling it too.

Stories, myths, and jokes are teaching tools and sadly humans respond quicker and learn quicker through fear than love. We never have to practice self-fear, but we have to practice self-love.

Most religions teach us that we are flawed, broken and must live in fear of the gods for they want nothing more than to punishes us for our wrongdoing and miss deeds. My favorite example of this is going away to sleep away camp back in high school. All week between the swimming, archery and cannoning we were told how premarital sex was wrong. Hell, I was still so uninterested in sex at the time that the idea of sex just grossed me out, yes, I was still in my middle teens at this time. But the second to last day of camp the councilors said after a solid week of this anti-sex talk that even THINKING about sex was a sin. I was fucking livid one of the first times I understood the phrase “seeing red”. All I could think was what a horrible trap they had just played. How could thinking about sex be a sin? We wouldn’t be thinking about sex if they hadn’t started the conversation. Now they dare to say that God will punish us for just THINKING about sex. That was just fucked up and wrong. Sex was a blessing from the gods, not a curse or something dirty that one should be ashamed of or hide from. That was the moment that I also realized that I was raised differently than other children my age. I was out of societies box. This was also the first time I clearly saw how religion is different than the gods. How religion is broken.

Science has proven time and time again that religious people are just wrong when it comes to biology. No, my uterus is not just floating aimlessly around in my body. No semen does not contain a fully formed baby that is just waiting to be implanted in the womb to grow to maturity. Yes, animals other than humans do form homosexual life long relationships with one another. The world is not flat. If we can see that the religious writings are interpreted by the society they live in and are changed, why can’t we say the same for myths. The one constant in this should be the gods and goddesses, not the religion that tries to interpret myth for us to their advantage.

Back to Hades and Persephone and the rest of the Greek myths as we understand or read them now. I do believe they were colored, changed from the original meaning of the myth. I always get a nod from any of the gods and goddesses I’m working with that being a yes, the myths have changed.

Do I see Zeus as a bit of a horn dog when I perceive him? Meh, not so much, maybe he can give a suggestive wink in my direction once in a while but no is no and it’s gone no further. Same with Hermes, a hug but never a grope. There is no perception of being taken advantage of because I’m female or human. There is respect. Do I have or have I somehow created a filter, perception, or rose colored glasses that my gods respect me and do not use fear as a tactic to try and control or bend me to their will. They have never had to. Does it make me some fool to trust them? I don’t know.

Because I believe that I reside, or my atman resides, with and is divinity my perceptions or these rose-colored glasses do not let me. Or perhaps it’s part of my non-negotiables that the aspect of divinity that I reside with or resonate with will not harm me but will only act with love never fear, trickery or spite. That is what a patriarchy or a theocracy uses to control its people or worshipers fear. There is plenty to fear in the universe that is outside the god glob thing or the individual human gods we worship. In here, I stumble onto another non-negotiable for myself. Good and evil are spate, evil is not a human construct. Humanity does not have an exclusive right to the creation of or our own actions towards one another of evil deeds.

I am not worshiping or working for a theocracy or a patriarchy. My gods don’t use fear to control or motivate me.

I can see the advantage to using fear – with fear people do not trust themselves or anyone else, they can only turn to deity for support. Then if the gods or goddesses themselves are using fear as part of worship there is no way (to my perceptions) that you can evolve further. You are stuck in your fear.

Do let me clear up one thing – I do not think that people who say they have been abused by a god or god-spouse are lying or wrong in their perception. Because that would be supporting rape culture and I don’t know what they have gone through. Something horrible happened to those people and it’s my job to believe them, to not question their religion or faith, but to help them heal.

Conversations with Deity

Glory here.  Hope has been asking me for quite some time to share conversations with Loki and other Deities who take up residence in my head.  Sharing wisdom and insights I gain from them and being open to asking questions or doing “interviews” of sorts I suppose would be the easiest way to describe it.  The biggest problem here, I have no idea where to start!

“At the beginning is a good place,”  interjects Loki.  Well yes Loki, that is always a good place to start I suppose.  But where is the beginning?  When Loki first decided it would be a good time to make himself heard?  Or when I finally acknowledged that I just may have a touch of Oracle to myself in this life and can really hear what seems to be Deities of old?

Yes, these are two entirely different incidents – the former occurring roughly 5 years ago this month, the latter only happening in full in the last year.  Though, I suppose if I’m entirely honest, I’ve “heard” chatter or gotten insights from Deity for closer to 8 years now.  The chatter and nudges began when I finally decided in earnest to accept my desire for “more” and joined an online Wiccan school.  It seems, in accepting the magic in my life, and actively learning about it, an entire world of possibilities and chatter opened up to me.  (Though, even that isn’t entirely true as the first time I saw/heard the Fae was almost a decade ago in Nettle’s back yard after sharing an offering from the apple pie I was baking.  No longer can I make an apple pie without Fae swarming, but that isn’t really a conversation now is it?)

Back to meeting Loki.  I was in a chat at the online Wiccan school.  I was about to begin grading for our First Degree students, but that had not been announced yet.  One of the students in the chat mentioned work she was doing and was absolutely sure that her grader would know more about Loki than she did.  I mentioned that the possibility was strong the grader wouldn’t, as we all have different areas of expertise and Graders can’t possibly know every Deity.  You see, at that point, I avoided the Norse Deities like the plague.  They held no interest for me.  I was, and still am, very strongly tied to the Celts so saw no need to explore the Norse pantheon.  Loki, however, must have been listening and I heard a very distinctive “I can change that.” For the next half an hour to an hour, he tried to Matrix me and take over a part of my psyche to “download” information about him.

I fought his presence for everything I was worth.  Refusing to let a Deity have any sort of hold or access to me like that was absolutely unthinkable.  While almost purely a mental “fight”, by the end of it I was left light headed, tired, and felt a bit ill.  I thought it was all done and I had won.  Oh, the naivete.  Loki, in the end, refused to give up because I had fought him and fought him off.  I had piqued his curiosity and interest.  Long story short, a scant 9 months later our youngest daughter was born.  When it shouldn’t have happened because we were doing so much to prevent any more children.  (She is the youngest of 4.)  The how and why aren’t important, but the result is he has hung around because he has a vested interest in her, and myself as I raise her.  Has to make sure I do it right, now doesn’t he?

The more she grows, the more I seem to hear Loki (and others.)  But it’s not just the more she grows.  Because as she gets older, I continue to walk my path and learn more about myself, exploring my abilities, my gifts, and learning more about the world around me.  More fully accepting my spirituality and embracing the unknown.  It seems that in doing this, I discover closer ties to Deities and am better able to hear them when they seek to speak to me.  Or deliver messages to others.

While I had talked to Deities and a few other “other” beings, I didn’t truly accept my connection until last year.  Nor not fully at least.  After a couple of incidents last year I’ve decided it’s time to stop running and accept the situation.  I may not always like it, I may not always “rise to the occasion” but I am doing my best to accept it and move forward with dignity and honor the voices and messages.Well, that is after I vet the voices and make sure they are who they say they are.  Because let’s face it, there are a lot of powers and energies out that that want to be heard and will pretend to be someone else for a bit of attention.  Yes, even here I speak from experience.  Experience is a harsh task master.  While walking this path, we only really and truly learn when we practice.  That is why Paganism, Heathenism, Wicca, and similar spiritualities are called a practice.  Because to learn, we must walk the path and practice to gain mastery.  Even then, our “mastery” is only until a new experience comes up that causes us to question, explore and learn anew.

Yes, I realize I sound crazy.  “I can hear Deities talking in my head.”  Prepare the rubber room and the uncomfortable jacket.  Honestly, though, in a world where we accept so much, is it really so hard to believe that a person can hear Deities sharing wisdom and insights for others?  No, I don’t want the attention.  I don’t want half of what is attached to this “gift” most days.  I do, however, miss it and question myself when I don’t hear anything at all.

So, yes.  Moving forward I may share posts now and then under the heading of “Conversations with Loki.”  What they will be, or what I will share, I honestly don’t know.  Knowing Loki, some may be fun and lighthearted while others may be painful for myself or others and cause us to think, evaluate, learn and grow.  (He says to definitely expect those.)  He is a Deity of Chaos and Trickery after all.  Through chaos, we learn.  Through chaos, we grow.  Painfully.  Slowly.  But we learn, and we are stronger for it in the end.  So, until next time, I wish you fun and joy, but most importantly I wish you well!


Have you ever been part of a conversation wondering how you got there and where this all started? Hope and I were chatting a few days ago and we had one of these conversations. We had been chatting with an old friend. We will call him Lahmu. He, Lahmu was sharing with us an epiphany in his studies of Nammu/Tiamat and Apsu

  “Tiamat and Apsu are not distinct emanations of a godhead. They are in fact, the same being, where one aspect represents potential, and the other represents creation.”

Hope asked me my thoughts and here is our conversation

Nettle: While it does conflict with my game mechanics of gods being separate beings, all independent with hierarchy with immortals above god to the one creator of a universe I’m not sure that is how it works in real life. I do feel and understand that perhaps much like Hinduism the gods we know are just part of a greater whole larger than what we as humans can understand.

 Side note – really, it’s pertinent Hope, Glory, Coyvere and I have played in a D&D game run but Nicodemus for years. In the game, there are the individual deities’ powers unto themselves separate with their own identity with their own pantheons etc. I have on more than one occasions use something that happened while gaming to explain something that has happened magically. Terribly geeky I know but it works because it is a system of symbolism we all jointly understand     

Hope: (always looking out for our readers) That would make an interesting post.

Nettle:  Maybe. (Not always willing to go out on a limb for someone named Hope. I do like to play things safe and close to the chest.) Many pagans disagree with me vehemently. We want our gods to be independent and free not one uncomprehending glob.

Hope: Well, when you look at the distinct personalities the deities exhibit, it’s not hard to come to the conclusion that they’re all separate entities.

Nettle: Sure.

Hope: Saying that Hestia is Ares is Frigg is Bast appears to fly in the face of reality.

Nettle: Yep, most would agree with you, and yet there are archetypes found in all religions that link deities together.

Hope: It’s all a primordial soup? The archetypes are the same because people are the same.

Nettle:  Perhaps it is better to say that if there is one creator or source of power that we can only see or understand or even comprehend small tiny insignificant part of the greater whole.

Hope:  If cats have deities they look nothing like Bast or Freya.

Nettle: Gods take on the personalities of their worshipers and the society they live in more often than not it is the societies rules that become the rule of the god(s).

Hope: If they (the gods) want to be relevant they have to. I personally would hope that the gods would not choose to perpetuate a rape culture and that they would try to lift us up rather than indulge our worst instincts. If there’s a mirror effect wherein gods reflect society and society reflect gods, then I think gods have an obligation to distort the mirror and hold us to higher standards. Being so much older and presumably wiser, they must have an ultimate vision of humanity.  If this vision is that men are all powerful and women are subservient then gods can go to their own hells because they don’t deserve our worship. My own opinion is that Creator deities seem to have one function, and when that is accomplished they relinquish control and interest to the deities who arise or to whom they give birth.

Nettle: Not the other way around?

Hope: There’s nothing relevant about a dragon. And notice that Ymir had to die in order for creation to happen.

Nettle: Is that truth or human myth?

Hope: Lol finding your Absolutes? Can we know the truth? Does a seed of it lie in myth?

While we at Moonlit Path have been neglectful in posting to the blog, that doesn’t mean we’ve been sitting on our laurels playing solitaire. (okay maybe the solitaire) One of my favorite Facebook group pages is Patheos Pagan a collection of pagan blogs. They shared and article a few weeks ago about defining your beliefs and practice. What are your non-negotiable for your religion Fantastic article below is the link.

I loved that idea and thought wow! I can do that should be easy peasy. HA – that is the sound of the universe laughing at me to say this is a work in progress would be an understatement. Hence all the solitaire.      

Nettle: I don’t think we can know truth, nor can we claim to even begin to understand the truth we only understand what is happening through the filters of a human brain.

When I was in my early teens I stumbled across some Deist writing way back in my agnostic/ atheist phase. At the time, it struck a chord with me and I find it pops up often when I try to explain or define my beliefs. The things that stick with you.

Hope: We can only handle so much and each person has their own limits.

Nettle: I want to believe that love is more powerful than hate. I think that is one of my absolutes/non-negotiable

Hope: That depends on your definitions and measurements. It may be totally subjective. And yours won’t be everybody’s. Love, like hate, is often in the eye of the beholder.

Nettle: I knew you would say that!

Hope: Lol of course you did! Cliches R Us!

Nettle: Perhaps love is too subjective for you perhaps compassion.

Hope: It’s still filtered through individual perceptions.

Nettle: It is MY absolutes, not yours, you can’t argue for or against my absolutes because they are mine Go forth and make your own absolutes and non-negotiable, Hope!

Hope: In any case, it doesn’t prevent you from honoring Hestia or Gaia as separate entities.

Nettle:  No it doesn’t, but they may be one part of a greater whole. What are your absolutes?

Hope:  I haven’t given it any thought. I just do whatever I feel is right at the time. Does it feel right to put some honey in a saucer and say that this is for Danu? If so, I do it.

Nettle: So, you trust your intuition.

Hope: Whether it’s all one conglomeration of conscious energy or separate entities is immaterial. I deal with the separate ones, just as you do.

Nettle: A separate part or a facet of the larger whole.

Hope: We break it down into manageable pieces. It could be either or it could be something I can’t begin to fathom. I deal with what deals with me. To me, in the end, it doesn’t matter.

Nettle: The part you can comprehend.

Hope:  You may be right. The others may be right. Does it matter? Not really. Hard to work with something you can’t begin to comprehend. How can you connect?

Nettle: You connect with the small bit of intelligence that resonates with you.

Hope: Yes. I am finite. Even dealing with the small bit can be overwhelming.

From here our conversation devolved into the mundane of what we were going to make for dinner and how hot it was outside.

What being ‘let go’ means to me

I’ve been considering this post ever since it happened, but I wanted enough time to pass so that I could avoid the pity party and have a little distance from it as well. I think I can write about it now without falling prey to self pity or anger.

I’ve considered Nammu my goddess for quite some time now, over a decade. She helped me with several problems, and I regularly offered to her and tried to communicate with her. I talked verbally and used a pendulum. The communication was never with words on her part – emotions, nudges, or dreams were her preferred methods. I saw the wooden statue of a dragon that she wanted on the altar in a dream. I felt a nudge when I saw a purple and green something on the campsite beside us, which turned out to be a stuffed dragon. I suffered through a deeply unsettling few days of obsession because she said I needed to know what it felt like in case it was used on me.

I grew to trust her, which took many long months because I don’t trust easily. I turned to her with questions and problems, and for the most part she helped me out when I really needed it. When I was having problems with the fae she intervened and got them off my back. It wasn’t the relationship of my dreams, but it was a relationship and I thought that because she was sleeping so much that this was as good as it got. Oh, true, other people had better communication and got training, but I lived in hope that sooner or later I would be one of them.

Then Nammu stopped communicating completely. I shrugged it off – she’s sleeping, she’s busy, she has a lot to do – but the silence persisted and the months turned into years.  Finally, I got a reading to clarify the relationship between us (Beth at Wytch of the North did mine) and the truth came out: it was over.

She had terminated the relationship and told me nothing.

It was painful. I felt betrayed. I felt my trust had been given and not prized. I felt unwanted and cast out. I immediately went into retreat-to-a-cave-and-lick-my-wounds mode. I sent all my Nammu stuff – the statue, the incense, the oil, the pendulum, etc – to someone who wanted it. I gave my statue of Saraswati to another friend who can use it. I wanted to send the rock that a black dragon hitched a ride on back to the person who so kindly gave it to me but damn if it didn’t disappear from the ottoman before I got the box (and she told me that he wanted to hang around a little longer).  I cleaned off my altar and told myself it was better to just take the hint and stay away from deities.

I have a really bad habit of going to extremes. It’s all or nothing with me. And I scare easily. I’m enthusiastic and then I become afraid. I expect rejection. And trusting just doesn’t come easy. Not much to recommend me to a deity. I was hoping to learn how to control and use my powers, and to have real conversations, to get some of my questions answered. None of that happened.

I am grateful to Nammu, for all the things she did for me. I’m disappointed that she decided not to continue with me. But a one-sided relationship isn’t going anywhere.

At one time Danu indicated that she was interested in working with me. I turned once again to Beth for a reading on how that would work out – doing a reading for myself doesn’t work well. Beth said that Danu is still interested and that the relationship would be very beneficial to me. So now I’m torn. I don’t want anything to do with Sidhe/fae. I don’t have a good track record with them. But I see Danu as a creator goddess with a strong agricultural bent, and I’m pretty good with growing things. Do I want to go through the whole learning-to-trust thing again, with the chance that it will be thrown back in the future? Do I let that fear keep me from maybe finally getting the training I want and need?

I bought a pot of gebera daisies to use for meditation. I’ll take a chance and see what happens. Poised to run away, I’ll try to contact her and reach out tentatively. It might work.