Normally I would tuck this post over in my yoga blog but it wanted to be here on Moonlit Path.
“The people you love become ghosts inside of you, and like this you keep them alive.” ― Rob Montgomery
My girls have a favorite game they play with me. “Mama do you remember when….” Some times the story is funny, some times our two sides of the story are so far from being the same that we wonder if we are talking about the same event. Sometimes we laugh some times I cry on the inside because I wasn’t a perfect parent. Somedays the memories bring me warmth and others I morn for those times when my babies were still babies.
A few weeks ago, I had a moment in my Yoga Nidra.
For those of you unfamiliar with this practice Yoga Nidra is both a goddess and a practice – it is deep relaxation where the body sleeps and heals but the mind travels to the place beyond ourselves.
I was in my Yoga Nidra practice when something happened that shook me to the core. In meditation I saw a wailing woman full of pain and grief. She was nothing but a bundle of pain, blood and rags and she was coming for me. I was instantly snapped out of my meditation. My heart was racing and I could still feel in the back of my mind her presence.
Who or what was she?
Was she a banshee or a La Llorona? In most traditional mythology she is a bringer or harbinger of death. Was she the Morrigan, a goddess that I associate with war and insanity? Was she one of the Furies the Erinyes coming to visit to remind me of some past wrong now here to extract vengeance?
(Sometimes you can know too much mythology)
I did something I almost never do after that Yoga Nidra session. I reached out and asked for help in understanding. What did this mean? I am blessed to have so many wise women in my life.
Schizophrenia does run in my family. And there was the deep fear with in my that I had finally lost it. Talking with all these wise people helped me though this and I learned that I was not going crazy but that I was remember my loss.
I was remembering all that I had lost. Personal loss watching my girls grow up to be young women. Generations of loss etched into my DNA. Loss of homes, jobs, the loss of loved one, the loss of my dreams unachieved. I was embodying my loss. I had changed and I needed to give myself the time to mourn all these losses.
It’s not a one-time thing, I know she will be back, my wailing woman. She has been back, my wailing woman but now I invite her to come sit with me and we mourn our losses together. I will remember. I will remember, then I will forget again and she will return.
In yoga we remember. We remember that we are dragons, we are the banshee, the furies and that we are the healer. With yoga I remember I am the phoenix.
“And when all that was left was ashes, she would again clothe herself in flame. Rising from the dust of her past to rekindle the spark of her future. She was a Phoenix, her own salvation; rebirthed, renewed, resurrected.”
— LaRhonda Toreson
The path of yoga is not linear it is both what we have forgotten and what we remember. It is what we do when we remember all that we are. Life is not linear our dreams must be able to change, to grow, to evolve and to be reborn. We must also remember loss and keep our ability to mourn.
“When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other.” ― Rob Sheffield, Love Is a Mix Tape
There is a lot to mourn as what we once knew as “normal” is being changed into our new “normal”. It’s okay to be sad during these times and let your self mourn.